Meet my newest nephew...

Kayden was born yesterday at 7:12 PM

7 lbs 5 oz 19in

Back to feelng lost again

I dont know what the hell to do.

I'm so tired of being taken for granted.

I had a very vivid reminder of what it would take to get his attention this weekend.

Problem is...she is a free agent...she can do that and be honest and not hurt people....she wasn't cheating on anybody...and it wasn't done to get his attention.....

I cannot.

I would simply be a cheating Whore because I have promised to be true to only him...and it would scream desperate ploy for attention and therefore would fail miserably....

I can't live like this...sex is too important to me.

I don't want her to go...and even if I did...it wouldnt matter...not being able to have her wouldn't make him want me again.

I cant make him want me

But is it worth giving up my home, my tribe, my family?

I really just don't know what to do

I Freakin Hate this!!!

HATE IT!!!

I hate that two weeks ago is was jogging in spurts arount the lake, and now I can barely hobble around the block!!!

Two weeks ago I was dreaming of running a 5k...

Now i dont think i can do the 3k fun walk next month.....

Why...because i was drinking when my knee decided to go out, so instead of catching myself when it started to slip, I fell and and screwed it up but good.

The Doctor says it will get better....

Every one I know who has ever had a knee injury says it will never be the same,

I keep trying to increase my activity to build it back up....but then it starts to slip again and I'm afraid of injuring it worse.........

This was the first time in my life I had ever REALLY tried to get into decent physical condition.....now I'm afraid that will never happen.

Plus there is the the...need to exercise to lose weight so my knee will get better

need knee to get better so I can exercise to lose weight...

FUCK!!!!!

My Garden is my Altar
My Garden is my Church
My Garden is my place of Peace where I find my connection my higher powers

My Spade is my Athame
It enters the Chalice of the Earth
With it I plant the seed or the sprout that will become new life

In My garden there is Earth
Beneath my feet, on my hands, under my nails, between by toes

In My Garden there is Air
Cleaned by the green growing things, scented by the flowers, blown by the wind

In My Garden there is Fire
Contained by the pit, the torches, the candles, even in the warmth of the sun

In My Garden there is Water
It runs through the fountain, the waterfall, and clings in droplets to the leaves

In My garden there is Wisdom
The constant reminder that the Earth does not need my help to create life

In My Garden there is Love
For the Earth allows me to work with it to do so.

All hail the computer god!!!

My friend Nick Rocks!!!!

My computer is running again...twice as fast as when it was brand new. I have more storage than I will EVER know what to do with, and I have a 22 inch flat screen monitor....bigger screen, more room on my desk!

Rock on!!!!!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

So some of you have seen me talk about our new family member.

Meet PJ....a 1 yo yellow lab moose!







And the men in my life...Porkchop, Sidepork, and PJ (short for Pork Jr or Pork Juice...depending who you ask...

I was in need of change

So I made one




Now lets hope PC doesn't kill me!!

We have been noticing the Porks backside looked swollen....

We thought he had an inflammed anal gland...

Turns out...he has cancer......or that is what the vet thinks....he is not sure, but says that is what it looks like.....

Of course, this vet seems to diagnose everything as cancer...so who knows....

Probably wishful thinking on my part....

Anyway...we aren't going to treat it other than to keep the old man happy (he is pushing 15). It doesnt seem to be causing him any discomfort now. When we can't keep him comfortable and happy...will give him a peaceful ending.....

No idea how long, just depends on how fast it progresses....we shall see......

Tribe Yule was a success!!!

I think everyone had a great time. Far too much food was cooked and consumed and many great presents were given and recieved.

I got a stove top popcorn popper, and bobbin winder, glass pie plate, a glass toy, pieces for the fountain I want to add to the pond, and much much more....

My friends give the most thoughful gifts!!!

Everything I gave seemed to get a really good response....which of course is the best gift of all!!!! Who would have ever thought a magnetic screw holder could bring so much joy *grin*

Also had a blast watching the dogs interact. Pack behavior facinates me, so having it going on in my living room was interesting. And even though noone was receptive, I think Libby has the cutest 'lets play' dance I have ever seen. I will have to have them bring her back when we can all be outside and the MIL's rat terrior can come over and play...I thing those two would have a great time. I also loved the way Ros decided he needed to protect Pork, :).

On the sewing front...things are looking much more promising.


Fest outfit for Triplet 1-finished
Fest outfit for Triplet 2-finished
Fest outfot for Triplet 3-finished
Fest outfit for 9yo nephew...finished
Fest outfit for 15yo nephew...finished
Fest outfit for 16 yo neice....finished except for about 15min worth of hand stiching

Apron for MIL...partially cut out

Monkey pants for someone....finished and given...she seemed to like them

Pajamas for Mom....I have fabric

Blanket for baby nephew....finished

I might actually have everything done on time....

OMG..this weekend is going to be nuts...way to much to do..

Sewing
Clean the house
Sewing
Put away fall decorations and get out out christmas decorations
wrap presents
sewing
finish the laundry
make sure PC gets my car doors fixed
go to Mankato
Sewing
Bake cookies with the tripletts
Sing kareokee Sat night
sewing
figure out what I'm making for tribe yule for Friday night and Sat brunch next weekend

Oh yeah...did I mention sewing???

So I'm trying to make several of my presents this year...seemed like a good idea back in October...

Fest outfit for Triplet 1-finished
Fest outfit for Triplet 2-finished
Fest outfot for Triplet 3-finished
Fest outfit for 9yo nephew...pattern is cut out...fabric selected
Fest outfit for 15yo nephew...pattern partially cut out...fabric selected
Fest outfit for 16 yo neice....fabric selected....still need to find a pattern

Apron for MIL...partially cut out

Monkey pants for someone....i have fabric...

Pajamas for Mom....I have fabric

Blanket for baby nephew....I have fabric

Um yeah....I have some work to do!!!

Went home to visit my family this weekend since I didn't get to go for Thanksgiving.

Took the whole Tribe to Mom's house. My folks are fully awake of my Triad and totally cool with it, and they know Steffie from when we were roomates...and Ralene is just another addition to the family...Mom loves it....she gets to have 5 kids for the price of one!

Also there was my little sister Dez and her fiance Frankie and his son Kyler. Kyler is almost a year old and Dez and Frankie have full custody of him. (his biological mom is around, but not much)

Now I was aware that that my baby sister was living with this young man and helping him raise his child. And I knew that her proposed to her a few weeks ago. What I wasn't prepared for was hearing my Mom and Stepdad called Grandma and Grandpa!! Holy Crap! What?

It makes perfect sense of course. Kyler calls Dez Momma, she is the one raising him...
My Mom has been wanting grandchildren for at least 10 years, and did not supply her with any. But wow! My Mom is Grandma now! and My BABY sister is Momma...my 18 yo baby...wow! And now they are talking about trying for a little girl after she graduates.

Don't get me wrong...she seems really happy. She is going to school, working, taking care of a home and a son and loving it. But I worry that she will eventually resent it when she realizes that she gave up her youth so early. But, you can't tell her that...and Frankie adores her and is really good to her...so I guess all I can do is...enjoy bring an Aunt again!

So I think my yearly depression comes down to this.

In the fall everything dies.

I am reminded...that I too, shall pass from this world

I am not depressed because my life sucks

I am depressed because my life is in fact quite wonderful and passing me by far too quickly.

I get scared and bolt from otherwise happy situations because I think a new start will allow me to escape the inevitable...

Kinda like the Winchester House...if I just keep building the ghosts can't get me.

The past 33 years went like a flash...if Im optimistic..I have another 50....If I'm realistic....probably closer to 30

Maybe not that...I could die tomorrow....easily....

I just found out an old friend's cousin...a few years younger than me....died Sat night...she and her husband both,,,leaving 3 small girls....

I also found out my sister got engaged yesterday......her growing up reminds me how old I am....it cant have been 18 years ago she was born.....dear god...how fast will the next 18 go?

I know the solution is to try to live every second to its fullest...to suck the very marrow from the bones of life......

but in the end...it doesnt matter how much fun I had......or any of us had really.......

ARG!

Every time i think I pulling it together....it falls apart again.

I hate feeling so lost.

I hate not being able to tell why I'm so unhappy.

I think I don't how to be happy.

If I only had someone.....something to direct it at.

The universe could take my anger, but it wouldn't much care.

I know life is short...I should try to enjoy every last second of it.

But them I just wonder why we are here......why be born just to die.

Which leads to other ponderings about higher powers and what happens after we die.

Peace or freedom......I have freedom.....except that I'm a prisoner to my lack of peace.

God doesnt want you to have beliefs...he wants you to have ideas.....teriffic, but happens when the ideas run into each other and stop making sense?  Or worse, they make so much sense that it becomes glaringly obvious that they were only created to give peace and help rule mankind?

Am i doubting the existance of God and the afterlife because I'm depressed?  Or am I depressed because I doubt?? 

Which came first?  The chicken or the egg??

Will my conciousness just cease to be?  seems rather painless.....painless sounds good......maybe thats what they all mean when we are promised 'peace' in the afterlife.

Maybe i just truley dont and never have believed in an afterlife....but I can't reconcile that to my egotistical, self centered brain.  I have no children...once I'm gone, I'm gone.  There is no immortailty for the lowley accountant from MN......this is it.

I don't want to believe that...but really....I think that I do.

I cannot get warm....!!

I am sitting at work in a hoodie...hood up......freezing!!!

I know it is partially the weather change...and partially my SAD acting up.

I hate it.....makes me feel all helpless and needy!!!

Am I losing the ability to live life on my own terms?